Attitude is Everything (March 25: Day 22--Ft Davis, TX)

Ok Folks--here it is...........two days ago I was ready to hang my hat and come home.  I was still having to sag, the weather was beautiful, and I had worked myself up into a regular old 'poor me' funk.  It was one of those days, when I just couldn't find the good in anything.   My old saddle hadn't arrived, my sores were worse than ever, (to the point of keeping me awake a night), I was sick of unloading the luggage (because I was there), and tired of helping with breakfast clean up while I watched everyone else peddle away in amazing weather and on great roads. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind these tasks, but I just wanted to ride; I did not want to be in support....again and again. Was it ever going to end..was I ever going to get back in the saddle again?

 ~~POOR ME~~

That afternoon, the others all rode in happy and ecstatic from a fast, invigorating ride ....and there I was, twiddling my thumbs.....again...listening to their tales.   I didn't even want to hear about how great the ride was--I was so out of sync. I felt myself falling down that rabbithole of self-pity, where all I wanted to do was withdraw and be by myself.  Unfortunately, on this trip, there is little alone time, except on your bike, which is where I wanted to be.  Down, down, down I went.....

 ~~POOR ME~~

I couldn't even have a good cry alone....my room mate for the night came in, and though she tried to console me,  I continued to wallow in self pity, and perhaps anger.  I was pissed--why was this happening to me?  Tried as I might, I could not find 'the lesson' I know was lurking there, nor could I sincerely find anything  for which to be grateful.

~~POOR ME~~

Even sleep didn't bring me relief.  I had lost my PJ's at the last hotel, so had to concoct something that I could wear to bed that would not irritate my sores, and yet be comfortable and concealing. Then my sleep was continually interrupted by persistent hot flashes and the poing- poing-poing of the cheap fitted sheets letting go of the corners, leaving a bare, nasty mattress  for me to sleep on.  So up I got to fix the sheets, over and over again  while, my room mate slumbered blissfully, no doubt dreaming of sailing down 8% grades with tailwinds. 

~~POOR ME~~

Finally morning came, and I knew the moment I pulled my bike shorts on that it was going to be another day of SAGging.....and that thought caused me to physically and mentally sag....and on my birthday, too.

~~POOR ME~~

My room mate left for breakfast, and I hung back.  There was no reason for me to hurry since I was not riding. Finally, in solitude, I sat back and had a little talk with myself......

 .....From all obstacles come opportunity--was this really an obstacle for me, or was I making it one? What opportunity was I failing to see?  What lesson was being presented that I was not learning?  This was not the trip I expected!

 ~~AHA. THERE IS THE LESSON~~

Expectations are projections into the future....much like worry.  Expectations are something over which I have no control, and yet something I assume will happen because that is how I imagine it should.  This being true, then disappointment is very likely to occur because I have no control over future variables. And that is precisely what has happened; I was disappointed that the 'story' I had written in my head about this trip was not the one actually taking place.  I was also not taking responsibility for creating that disappointment, reverting instead to feeling very sorry for myself and wallowing in selfpity.

~~AHA~~

Earlier in the trip on this blog, I talked about feeling like a dog, enjoying the moment of the wind rushing over my face as I sailed over rollers in the Imperial Desert.  A dog lives in the present, without expectations of the future or dwelling on disappointment from the past---he is just fully present at the moment and enjoying what it has to offer. I am the source of my happiness and responsible for choosing how I wish to experience my life....full of expectation and disappointment or being present and savoring the moment.  I choose the latter. 

Having made that discovery and making a conscious choice to embrace the moment instead looking at the  'what if' or 'woulda, coulda, shoulda',  I left the room and headed for breakfast, with a new attitude and ready to enjoy what the day had to offer.  As I stepped into the breakfast room, everyone started singing "Happy Birthday"....and at that moment, I cried, but for an entirely different reason than I was crying last night. I immersed myself in the glory of the moment and savored it. 

I still SAGged all day, but the difference in how I chose to approach the day and situation made it rich with experiences I would have otherwise missed. I am indeed grateful for this lesson I learned.

My AHA moment certainly was a 'birthday'.